Tuesday, August 26, 2008

More mean things to say

Do you know what book I used to love until I snapped out of my delusion?



Good 'ol Twilight.

I think Stephenie Meyer is a genius. She managed to attract tons and tons of tweens, pre-teens, teens, and even adults to love her incredibly dull and boring books.

When I first read Twilight, I was so intrigued with Edward. Edward Cullen = every young girls' fantasy. Beautiful, protective, slightly distant, and loving all wrapped up in superhero vampire powers.

Awesome, right?

WRONG!!

While the first book might have been bearable, (let's be honest here: Twilight is Bella's whiney monologue. It catalogs her daily day-to-day life in the most boring prose. It's gray. She feels gray. Edward is gray - albeit because he's a vampire and cannot tan, but that's besides the point. The entire book is gray.) the second is ATROCIOUS. HORRIFIC. AWFUL. TERRIBLE.

If you haven't read it, let me sum it up for you:

Bella: Edward, I love you!
Edward: Bella, I love you!
Bella: I love you, Edward!
Bella: Edward, turn me into a vampire!
Edward: Sorry dudette, I can't. But I still love ya.
Bella: EDWARD, I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! TURN ME INTO A VAMPIRE!
Edward: I'm going away for a little bit.
Bella: EDWARD, I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! TURN ME! TURN ME!
-Three months later-
Bella: Edward, I still love you, yet I am finding comfort in Jacob. JACOB, I love you and I'm totally leading you on by making you love me, but EDWARD! OH EDWARD! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! Oh, I am feeling suicidal tendencies. Maybe I'll jump off a cliff to hear Edward's voice. EDWARD!! But... JACOB! Jacob! Jacob! EdwardJacobEdwardJacob!

The end.

Actually, I'm sure there some sort of a plot with those evil, bad vampires, but I wouldn't know because I stopped reading and instead chose to do more productive things. Like counting the number of eyebrow hairs I have. And cleaning the dirty spots off of the cement outside my house. And counting the number of pebbles that are in my backyard. Really important things like that.

If I was Edward, I would have probably stopped loving Bella. How freaking annoying is she? She's totally living up to her teenager stereotypes.


I told my younger sister this.. and she said I was too critical. This is true, I am quite mean and ferocious and critical.
My friend said that my expectations were high because I read too many romance books. This is, once again, true.


But whatever the reason... I am a hater.

3 comments:

Laela said...

i JUST wrote an entry about this exact same thing!! i liked twilight, so i decided to try new moon and it is horrible!! i really cannot stand bella.

BUT, i have to say The Host is very good, if you get a chance to read it.

Anonymous said...

This book is so deep that I will terrorize people with my fake vampire teeth and laugh.

kiyamara said...

Haha I love your summary. It's so funny AND true !

But still ... I read the four books !